Processing Palmer

Be present. Show up for people. Make them laugh and feel thought about. Fall in love and fall out of love. Dress a little weird and wear your hair different everyday. Sing in the show or in Goodwill. Text your friends and bully that dude at the gym that always stares at you. Feel comfortable in your body and let your voice get loud. Touch the grass but also dig your fingers into the dirt. Kiss that boy or girl you think you like and tell them you like the way their eyes squint when they smile really big. Read 100 books in a year and sign up to volunteer. Make a difference in peoples lives who will never know your name and smile at that grandma in Dillons. Hold your friends babies and hold them a little more, they’ll grow up so quick. Call your mom, dad, siblings for no reasons at all. Get up early and move your body. Take those mirror pictures and hype yourself up. Fill your bed with the softest blankets and light 5 different candles in your house. Start a blog and go on all the dates. Learn to let yourself be loved and remember to never question a good thing. Look at the stars and watch the sunset. Take long drives and listen to your favorite songs. Order all the appetizers and listen to stories. Go on a picnic and pick a few tulips for your favorite person. Tell people how you feel and if you love them. Take it all in. Be present.

Hoping the next time someone chooses to love me, they love me authentically. I’m not sure I even know what that means. Is it remembering my favorite team or how I like my chia tea? Is it remembering my birthday and actually celebrating me? Is it showing up to my house with flowers even though they think flowers are silly?

Hoping the next time someone chooses to love me, they love me more. I’m not sure I even know what that means. Is it choosing to stay after I’ve lashed out and tried to self sabotage? Is it holding me accountable in all aspects of life? Is it going out to get strawberry ice-cream after I’ve had rough day?

Hoping the next time someone chooses to love me, they love me always. I’m not sure I even know what that means. Is it reassuring me when I feel a little insecure? Is it remembering how much I love date nights, even if it’s just watching a movie at home? Is it remembering to tell me they love me and always backing it up with actions?

Hoping the next time I choose to love someone, I love them authentically, more and always.

And there you sit with your hand on my thigh. The most loving gesture I can think of that isn’t your lips on my neck or stomach. Something I crave often from you, physical touch. The touch of intimacy, gentleness and passion all wrapped up into the way your skin touches mine.

And there you sit with your eyes gleaming at me. The most loving look I can think of while you tell me about your day and everything in between. Something I crave often from you, quality time. The time of hours feeling like minutes, a sense of home and belonging all wrapped up into the countless hours you choose to spend with me.

And there you sit spilling out all the ways that you love me. The most loving words I’ve ever heard that aren’t from my favorite poems or books. Something I crave often from you, words of affirmation. The words of encouragement, reassurance and presences all wrapped up into the way you speak to me.

Three small acts of love that paint the board around the way you love me.

My brick walls are feeling more like glass doors. Easy to peer in and study what’s on the other side but I keep the door locked at all times. Afraid if I leave it open for more than a second, someone might slip in. They’ll pick up the book I left on the shelf and ever so quietly read all my thoughts, my hardships, my aspirations, my likes and dislikes, my dreams and slowly close the book after a few chapters and leave. They’ll have peered into my soul and decided that I wasn’t their favorite genre anymore. Feeling exposed and vulnerable, I lock the deadbolt as soon as their feet hit the other side of the concrete. Though, there are a few who are patient. Instead of waiting for the door to be left unlocked, they inquire from the outside and lean against the wall. They walk slowly in, once I’ve taken out my keys and flipped over the “open” sign. They’ve been taking in all the parts of me that weren’t tucked away. Intrigued by the cover, they’ll pick up the same book. Instead of leaving, they put a book mark in and wave to me and say “I’ll be back tomorrow!”. Day after day, they show up picking up where they left off. Never once exchanging the book, they’ll sit there with my soul in their hands. Reading line after line and never once getting bored. Overtime, I’ll learn to leave the door unlocked and allow these few, with their hearts tied to mine, allow them in at all times, and on every occasions. Rain or shine, these few people will continue to pick up my book and claim it’s their favorite story.

I think we’d all appreciate life a little more if we knew how close we came to not having one at all. It’s more rare to exist, than it is to not. For all the right people to have met each other, sat a little too long in a coffee shop or ran a red light. For all the right places and people to be some intimately woven together it constructed us, it’s extraordinary. Life is such a special occasion. When I zoom out on life and all the things that it took to put me here, my family here, my friends here, it really makes me appreciate them a lot more. I feel honored that this small blimp in time allowed me to be here, present but also experience those around me. To see a new perspective on something, to laugh and be hugged, to feel heartbreak and then still have the capacity to love, to watch babies grow and to watch those I love most just live… what a gift this life is.

What a coincidence you and I are here at the same time. I don’t mean the clock on the wall or the ground that we’re standing on. I don’t mean the hour we first met or the same bed we slept in. What a coincidence you and I are existing in the same universe at the same time. I mean, we’re both cosmic beings, living and breathing at the same time. I mean, speaking words and feeling emotions with these things we call bodies. What a coincidence you and I are in love at the same time. I don’t mean, the immature we barely speak and our hands brush briefly. I don’t mean, a simple kiss, no wedding rings and packed bags ready to leave. What a coincidence you and I are in love at the same time and we say it. I mean, the type of love that collides every time we’re around each other and at the mention on each others name. I mean, the intimacy of knowing your mind and you knowing mine. I mean, the way the world revolves around us and we have no regard for time.
What a coincidence the universe existed at the same time we did.

From the outside, my life is extraordinarily mundane. It’s routined, predictable and unexcitable. From the inside, I’ve fallen in love with this life.

A life I didn’t really fall into but rather built. Built with a lot of trail and error and I know there are many more to come. More tears, struggles, days I don’t feel like I’m doing enough and a whole lot of heartache. Heartaches from letting myself down but also by others, as this is the way life is. Life, a life I can not wait to share with someone. Someone who is soft as a whisper for me, but stronger than life. Strong enough to challenge me and also carry me on my weakest days. Days that we’ll share together that eventually over time will become the best memories. Memories filled with love, arguments, passion, understanding and making each other better. Better for our one day kids and those around us. One day, I’ll look back at this life and think, ah that’s what it’s all about. About building a life for yourself and sharing it eventually with someone and creating our own little world. A world that only you two exists in. A world that will seem so extraordinarily mundane from the outside but from the inside we will have fallen in love.