Where were we before now? Often we get sidetracked with the question of “What happens after death?” but what happened before life? The void, before life, pre-death… surely it couldn’t have hurt if we don’t remember it right? As sure as I am, that I don’t remember life before birth, I am sure I won’t remember it after death. If I do, what a sweet momento it’ll be.

He was the quiet shift. The way a willow trees limbs easily sway in the wind, is the only comparable. A deep breath, is what he felt like. The way the sun sneaks through old curtains and fills the room the golden waves. A silent hug from the heavens. If I had to guess, he was the universe’s ode to all living things. It was the longing for home, that was put at rest when he sat beside me.

If I could, I’d take it all away. I’d take your tears, your muffled screams, your aching heart and all the sorrows that this world avalanched onto you. I’d take it all away and trade you all my joys, my smiles, my laughs and love so you may know what’s it like to feel alive again. But… I can’t. Life doesn’t allow us to trade emotions once they’ve been dealt out. You must play the hand you’re given and by luck, hope that it’s on your side some of the time. What I can offer as a bid though, is I can at least sit with you through it. I can look at your hand and you can look at mine. We can whisper what one might do and hope the dealer doesn’t hear us. Casually throwing out the old memories and being dealt new ones and over time curating a new hand that by luck, life may have been on our side. At the end of our game we might curse at ourselves for losing but… at very least this life dealt me, you.

I sat in the middle of a thunderstorm and begged the universe to break all my bones instead of my heart. I would take lightening to the ribs if it meant my next breath was easier. I begged for someone to be my bridge so that I could sit under it, but sadly it was my storm to endure. Everything was outside of my control and there I was, drenched. My tears fell to the ground, like stars that I made last ditch wishes on. I offered deals to Mother Nature but she never returned my calls. The chaos continues, my mind still clouded, begging the world to one day pick up my call.

My feeling of anxiety and depression is feeling like I’m on the cusp of death, ready to shake it’s hand while tears steam down my face. The cold bathroom tile draws out my breath quick and fast enough to hide my panic. It sends tiny geese on a chase across my skin and with every thump of my jumping heart I grasp my chest like a net. I can also hear the drain guzzling down the water I barely remember turning *focus on the water*. My body goes on a wild goose chase almost every night now. I wonder when this hunting season ends.

I sat at dinner by myself. Like I do most days, I enjoyed my own company, my own solitude. In waiting for my order, I choose to look up at the world around me. Surrounded by couples, young and old, I felt like an outsider. An observer. I watched as a young couple awkwardly ate and tried to make conversation in between bites, while an elderly couple sat so contently holding hands, not saying a single word. On the other side sat a couple so inthralled with each other, I felt like I was invading on their privacy. My eyes bounced around and each time I caught something, a laugh, a wink, a small nudge towards the other person. Such small gestures but spoke nothing but love. As I sat alone, with no one to wink or nudge at, I was quickly reminded that while I don’t have someone to love at the moment, I am still very much surrounded by it. Tonight, I got to observe others loving each other and that was enough for me.

Your communication is so open I feel my words are running through fields it hasn’t ventured to before. A softness that is like being wrapped into a wildflower’s pelts. Hands so tender to the touch of my skin it reminds me of a warm rain in May. Our connection so instant, it feels like the universe comically put it together.

Slow down, love. This life will not take off without you, for it was created simply for you. The clock has hands for a reason, ball up time in your fist and throw it at whatever you see fit. Time spins in circles because it will never end and for right now, treat it as if you won’t either. Create life like a slow motion picture. Each frame seems to only focus in on the good things and captures the best moments. Keep some of your minutes tucked in your pocket because sometimes it can be thief. Time is always on your side and it has a way of revealing truths without the need for any words. So slow down, just for a minute and watch how quickly is turns into ten years.

I so often put my own foot in my mouth, that my tongue has become a welcome mat. Worn out with grit and dirt, I feel like my words are trapped between the bristles of my mind. Tangled up with all the dust, my heart sits there wondering when the next wash cycle will start. Healing does not come without heartache and for that I wasn’t ready for. Shoe laces untied, I trip on every little thing and stare out ahead wondering how much further I’d be if I’d just learn how to tie up my ego. Yet, I self sabotage. White nikes stained with muddy water from past decisions I’ve made. I wear them at all times because I rarely tend to forgive myself. My past mistakes do not end up in the trash like they should, they sit there on the door mat ready each morning to remind me.

Let people love you. Let people in and let them experience the person you’ve become. You’ve worked so hard to build this beautiful being over the years, let yourself rest a while and let others enjoy you. Let them make you laugh and feel loved. Let them compliment you and see you smile. Say yes to last minute plans with them and let them hug you. Let people celebrate you on your big days and let them comfort you on worst. You’re such a kind and gentle soul, let others confide in you and seek comfort. Build a home within the people who you feel cherished by but also let them help you. Let yourself feel what you’ve been giving to others so long now. You deserve it, you deserve to feel loved by the world.